


Without You Things Go Hazy

by xLoveMx



Category: Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Actor RPF - Freeform, Broadway RPF - Freeform, M/M, Newsies RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-05
Updated: 2014-12-28
Packaged: 2018-02-16 04:53:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2256567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xLoveMx/pseuds/xLoveMx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The aftermatch of a show closing and a relationship taking a new turn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Think Of You Later

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I have no idea what this is going to be, but it was in my head and I thought that a one shot wasn´t quite enough to cover it, so for now this is going to be multi chaptered. I´m not sure if anyone is actually interested in me continuing it, but I will probably do it anyway because I need to get it out of my head and for some reason these two are incredibly easy to write.  
> So please enjoy!

Ben remembered getting into bed on closing night, how he had gotten there was a whole different story though, but all he knew was that he wasn´t going to move any time soon. He had promised himself that he wouldn´t mope around for too long, because he had projects coming up, great ones, and life would continue, obviously, but he was allowed a day in bed without having to think of anything other than sleeping, and maybe some food in between if he found the motivation to get up, right? It wasn´t like there was anyone around to tell him what to do or what not to. The only person who only ever dared to kick his ass was Corey and while he could call his best friend, Ben wasn´t quite so sure if that was the best idea as of right now.

There had always been that certain spark between them, something more than just friendship, something that Ben couldn´t quite grasp, let alone explain, but it seemed like they had missed their shot, and not just once. Something had always been wrong, whether it was distance separating them, or girl- and boyfriends, or something simple as someone calling them out to the stage when they had been meaning to talk.

It wasn´t like they had never kissed, there had been many drunken make out sessions, more than Ben could remember, and those where just the ones he could actually think of, God knew how many he had forgotten due to the influence of alcohol. A voice in his head had repeatedly told him that it was a bad idea, because what did you do with someone who apparently only really fancied kissing you when you were both drunk, so he could pretend that nothing had ever happened the next day?

 _Apparently you keep kissing him when you´re drunk,_ Ben thought and groaned as he rolled over onto his stomach. He hadn´t even drank that much last night, or so he thought, but he remembered running into Corey in the bathroom that belonged to the place they had celebrated at, honestly there had been _so many_ people and Ben had felt like he hadn´t seen his best friend all evening, and having had a few beers, much like Corey, he hadn´t even been able to say much before he had felt himself being pressed up against the bathroom door, his lips meeting with Corey´s.

It was stupid, really, to worry about it now, because it wasn´t the first time it had happened, but somehow Ben was afraid that it might have been the last time. Weirdly enough he had never worried about this before, sure, he had spent nights lying awake and trying to figure out what exactly it was they were doing, but that was different. They wouldn´t be seeing each other every day from now on, and that alone was weird enough, but to think that everything was going to change, that they would maybe only see each other once a month, that there wouldn´t be nights spent in either of their apartments playing Mario Kart or singing weird songs and trying to keep a straight face until they were both laughing and then running to the theatre the next day because they had overslept, no, that was something Ben´s mind didn´t seem to have fully grasped yet.

 _Maybe I should call him,_ he then thought, _See if he´s alive and how he´s holding up._

The weird feeling in his stomach was still there though, and Ben was pretty sure that it wasn´t his stomach rebelling against the alcohol from last night. He hated that everything seemed to be turning weird now. Just a few days ago he would have called Corey up in the middle of the night and challenged him to a game of Mario Kart and the other man would have said yes in a heartbeat, but now? Something had changed, screw that, _everything_ had changed, and it scared the shit out of Ben. He had never particularly been good with change, he preferred it when things stayed the way they were, and he knew that he had most definitely picked out the wrong profession to go with that, these two things were bound to interfere, but he loved performing way too much, so he just…adjusted to change, but this must have been the biggest one he had yet to face, because this show meant the world to him and not being able to perform in it, and not seeing all those people, who he considered family, every day was something he hadn´t quite found a way to deal with yet.

“Oh stop it…” he muttered into the pillow, letting out a sigh as he reached for his phone blindly. It took him three attempts to finally to grab it from the nightstand, because Ben really didn´t want to lift his head earlier than necessary. He still wasn´t quite sure what to say to Corey, because he could obviously ask him how he was doing, but that didn´t seem appropriate for what they were going through, or well, it might have been appropriate if he had been talking to any of the other boys, or girls, from the show, but somehow things were different with Corey, they always had been.

“Get over yourself…” Ben then muttered and he was surprised that he hadn´t rolled his eyes at himself, because he was pretty sure that, if he could look at himself from the outside now, he would call himself pathetic.

 _He´s still your best friend,_ he then reminded himself. _You´re allowed to call him when you feel like shit, drunken bathroom make out sessions or not._ Ben cringed at that and quickly shook his head before he pulled up Corey´s number from his contacts and pressed the button to call him.

He had turned back around so he was facing the ceiling, phone pressed to his ear, as he listened to the beeping noises coming from the phone. He hadn´t checked the time, but he assumed, that if Corey didn´t answer, he was probably still sleeping, or hungover, depending on how many drinks he´s had last night. Ben knew it had to have been at least two Jack Daniels with coke or 5 beers, because anything less than that usually didn´t lead to make out sessions in the bathroom.

 _You do realize that sounds gross, right?_ A voice in his head asked and Ben willed it to shut up. It was also helping that the voice mail was being activated in that moment and the simple sound of Corey´s voice made him smile, despite the way his stomach twisted.

_“Hey, you´ve reached the voice mail of Corey, I´m currently crying over the fact that Newsies closed and that someone other than me  is going to be Jack Kelly, so if I don´t answer the phone I´m probably on the floor buried under some blankets, and if that´s you Mom, don´t come over, I´ll be fine. Alright, leave a message!”_

Ben shook his head, a smile tugging on the corners of his lips, as he hung up. “You dork…” he then muttered as he put his phone down, turning his head towards the window. It was most definitely sometime after midday, because the sun was up and shining through his bedroom window, and Ben highly suspected that this was what had woken him up.

 He hadn´t want to leave a message just now, mostly because he knew himself and in his current state he would have probably started rambling, or said something embarrassing that he wouldn´t have been able to take back, since it would have been on Corey´s voice mail then, and even if there was a slight chance that the other man wouldn´t listen to it, he hadn´t wanted to risk anything.

He shook his head and closed his eyes, feeling a slight headache coming, because yes, he was most definitely thinking too much, so Ben decided that a little more sleep couldn´t hurt.

-

When he woke up again a little while later, (who was counting the hours anyway?) Ben felt a little better, or well, at least the headache had disappeared and that counted for something. He reached for his phone then, blinking himself awake, before taking a look at the bright display. He had a message from his mother and five or six messages from friends, asking how he was doing, but Corey hadn´t called or texted.

“Maybe he´s really buried under a pile of blankets…” Ben mumbled with a slight chuckle before quickly responding to the texts and then moving to check his Instagram. He knew that a lot of his friends had taken pictures from last night and he was scrolling through his feed, smiling at a few of them. Sure, it was still sad, but for once he tried to be positive about the whole thing (maybe it was because he was technically still half asleep, but who cared?) when something caught his eye.

Ben furrowed his brows and scrolled back up to the picture he had just seen. It showed a couple of his friends having dinner in a somewhat fancy looking restaurant on Fire Island, at least that was what the caption said. Ben remembered that they had asked him to come along, one trip together before they all went off in different directions, just a couple of them, but he had things to do, so he had needed to pass, even if he would have loved to have gone. It wasn´t that was bothered him about the picture though, but the fact that, right in the middle of it, he could see Corey, and there was a girl leaning in close, touching his arm. He had seen her around before, briefly, but he couldn´t remember her name. It didn´t seem too important though, not compared to the fact that Corey had gone on the trip with them.

Of course he was allowed to, obviously,  but he hadn´t said a word about it to Ben, not even mentioned it, and he was pretty sure that they had talked about it before, right when Liana had invited them along, and it shouldn´t matter, because Corey was free to do whatever he wanted, but Ben couldn´t help but feel his stomach twist once more.

He pulled up the messenger then, deciding that, if his best friend didn´t have time to call him back, he would maybe respond to a text.

**_From: Ben, 5.56pm_ **

_I thought you were buried under some blankets?_

The answer came about five minutes later, another thing that had Ben´s stomach twisting, if he had his phone with him, then why hadn´t he called back?

**_From: Corey, 6.01pm_ **

_I am. :P_

Ben raised an eyebrow and before he could even think about it, he had typed up a reply.

**_From: Ben, 6.02pm_ **

_Well enjoy your ‘between the sheets’ trip with whatshername then._

The message was sent before he could stop himself and Ben stared at his phone in horror, only barely keeping himself from throwing it across the room so it would maybe shatter and not send the message. A new seconds later the phone was vibrating in his hand and the display was showing Corey´s name, and the picture with that stupid grin of his, and Ben dropped the phone before pulling the sheets over his head.

_Fuck._


	2. You Strike A Certain Chord In The Thick Of Me

Ben had never thought that he could be so good at ignoring phone calls. He had tried turning his phone off for a day to get some rest before, but he had felt guilty and answered the calls anyway, which was why he usually always ended up doing things he hadn´t planned on, not that he was complaining, but still. Right now he felt guilty too, and not only for not picking up the phone, but also for what had led to the fact that he had a reason to feel guilty in the first place.

“Oh God…” he muttered with a sigh, burying his head in the pillow as the phone began ringing once more. _Why can he call back ten times now and not answer when I actually wanted to talk to him?!_

Part of him wanted to talk to Corey, sort this out, because he had been stupid and he felt the need to apologize, but he also wasn´t ready for this kind of conversation. They had started blurring lines a long time ago, but it was only now that he actually realized just _how_ blurred they were.

The phone stopped vibrating eventually and Ben lifted his head from the pillow and looked over to where it was half buried under the covers, with only part of the display showing. Still, he could read what it was saying, _12 missed calls, 1 text message._

Ben bit his lip and unlocked the phone, the message showing up immediately.

**_From: Corey, 6.14pm_ **

_What the hell, man? Pick up your stupid phone!_

Ben stared at the words for a moment and soon enough the phone was vibrating again and he dropped it, his heart beating faster again. God damn it… he then thought, falling back against the pillows. At least Corey was too far away to actually come over and bang on his door right now. Granted, Fire Island wasn’t that far, but he wouldn´t interrupt his trip just because Ben was being stupid and not answering his phone, not with how much fun they were having judging by all those pictures on Instagram.

Out. He needed to get out. Do something to distract himself, something to forget that this had just really happened. Part of him was thinking about just going to a bar and drinking to forget, but he could feel his stomach complaining at the sheer thought of it, so that was out of the question. Ben sighed and reached for his phone tentatively, as soon as it had stopped vibrating, hoping that it wouldn´t go off again.

**_From: Ben, 6.17pm_ **

_Hey man. You´re free to hang out?_

**_From: Andrew, 6.19pm_ **

_Hey! Suffering from post-closing depression?_

**_From: Ben, 6.20pm_ **

_Sort of._

**_From: Andrew, 6.21pm_ **

_Fear no more then, I am your man!_

**_From: Ben, 6.22pm_ **

_If you say ‘get in loser, we´re going shopping!’ I´m gonna hit you over the head._

**_From: Andrew, 6.23pm_ **

_You´re a buzzkill._

-

They ended up meeting at a bar downtown, because Ben didn´t want to admit that he was hung over and because it was a nice bar that had great desserts and he felt like he needed some ice cream or a nice piece of cake, no matter how cliché that sounded.

Andrew was as chipper as always, despite having been out with them last night. Ben remembered seeing him briefly, but apparently he hadn´t been drinking too much, or so it seemed, which put him in a much better mood, but then again Ben was pretty sure that anyone was probably in a better mood than him right now. He also wasn´t quite sure if he had called his friend to forget or to actually talk about some things. Of course part of him knew that he couldn´t really talk about it, because technically it was something that didn´t even exist and therefore couldn´t, or shouldn’t, be talked about, and he had never really felt the need to talk about either, because he had known that it would continue to go on, but now things were different. Now he wouldn´t be seeing Corey every day and now he had royally fucked up because he hadn´t been able to control his jealously.

It wasn´t like Ben was cut out to be the jealous type. Being with the boyfriends he´s had, he had never been jealous, he hadn´t complained when they wanted to go out with friends, or when they hadn´t called for two days, so why the hell was he jealous about something that concerned someone who wasn´t even his?

He could feel the headache coming back then and bit back a sigh as Andrew waved at the waiter so they could order eventually. Ben wasn´t quite sure if he could pass his mood off as post show depression and being hung over, because otherwise he had no idea how to explain himself, even if he had wanted to. He had decided against leaving his phone at home, because what if Andrew would have had to change his plans last minute or would have been late? Then Ben would have needed to know, and with his phone at home there would have been no way of knowing.

The only problem he was having now though was the fact that his phone was still buzzing, and being ignored as best as possible, on the table. Corey wasn´t trying to call him every two minutes anymore, but apparently he hadn´t quite given up on reaching Ben yet, because the buzzing wouldn´t stop and Ben could feel himself cringe every time he noticed the phone go off.

Of course Andrew noticed, because he wasn´t blind and Ben wasn´t really what you would call subtle right now. He raised an eyebrow at his friend as he put the menu down, but he didn´t say anything until after they had ordered and the waiter had disappeared again.

“I don´t mean to pry,” he eventually said, looking over at Ben. “You know me, but this looks like a lot more than post show depression to me,” Andrew´s eyes darted towards the phone and then back up at his friend, who was trying really hard not bury his face in his hands.

“It´s complicated,” Ben then muttered and for a moment he wondered just when things had gotten so complicated. Being around Corey had always been the easiest thing in the world and now just thinking about him had Ben´s stomach twisting and it was most definitely the worst he had ever felt about someone, and that was terrible. Terrible and utterly heartbreaking and he hated himself for being so stupid.

“If you want me to help you should probably talk to me instead of just turning it over in your head until your brain explodes,” Andrew then offered some advice and Ben just sighed. Thankfully his dessert, and Andrew´s drink, arrived then though, so he had another minute to think about whether or not he was actually going to tell his friend about the mess he was currently in.

 _Or probably have been in for quite a while,_ he then thought, practically shoving the spoon with ice cream into his mouth.

Andrew watched him for a moment before reaching for the phone, which was vibrating again, _God damn it!_ Before Ben could stop him. It wasn´t like he would go through any messages, but he caught sight of Core ** __**y´s caller ID on the display and the number of how many times he had called.

He raised an eyebrow at Ben and then shook his head. “Please tell me you didn´t fight a day after your show closed and please tell me that, if you did, it was at least about something life changing and not something stupid,”

Ben opened his mouth and then closed it again, looking down into his ice cream bowl, because honestly, this might have been the stupidest fight he had ever been in and he couldn´t even admit it.

“And I´m guessing this silence means it´s either the latter or you just don´t want to talk about it,” Andrew then added and Ben let out another sigh.

“It´s really, really complicated,” he repeated, but in reality it wasn´t, was it? Corey had only ever kissed him when he was drunk, and the next day he had always pretended like nothing had happened, and now he was enjoying himself with his friends and some Blonde that was probably way more his type than Ben would ever be, considering she was actually _a woman_.

“Look,” Andrew eventually said, putting the phone down once more and reaching out to place his hand on Ben´s arm, which caused the other man to look up. “I know you might not want to hear this, and Corey´s one of my good friends, but there´s so many other nice guys out there, guys who´d fall at your feet within a few seconds if you gave them that handsome smile of yours,” he patted the other man´s arm and gave him a smile then, but Ben shook his head.

“What if I only want him?” he then asked back and _fuck._ It wasn´t like he had never thought about it, but he realized that this was the first time he had ever actually said it out loud, even to himself, and that made it all the more real and had his stomach twisting even further. He eventually buried his face in his hands and let out a groan. Why did this have to happen to him?! Andrew was right, there were so many nice guys out there, guys who were actually gay and interested in him, but no, he had to stumble right into some weird romantic movie where he played the role of the guy who was crushing on his best friend and had just royally screwed everything up.

Andrew´s hand rested on his shoulder then and Ben looked up, picking up his spoon once more so he could finish his ice cream, because really, he couldn´t get more pathetic anyway, could he?

-

They talked for a while after that, about anything but Corey, really, and Ben had another bowl of ice cream, because he hadn´t eaten all day, and he was only regretting eating two of them a little bit on his way home. It was past eleven when Ben finally made his way up the stairs to his floor (because of course the damn elevator had to be out of order this week), and was honestly planning on just falling into his bed and to not get up, preferably ever again, when he saw something that made him stop in his tracks and let his breath catch in his throat.

There was Corey, sitting on the floor, his head leaned back against the door of the apartment, with his eyes closed.

_Oh no._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so I might have a slight idea where this is going now. We´ll see about that. xD  
> I hope you enjoyed reading the chapter x


	3. Every Time We Touch

There were two options here. Ben could either try and sneak into his apartment without waking Corey, which could be potentially problematic because he knew that the other man was a light sleeper, even more when he was in an uncomfortable position, or he could just turn around and leave. Sure, Andrew would probably give him a weird look if he showed up at his apartment now, but he wouldn´t deny him a place to sleep for a night, and Corey surely wouldn´t sit out there all day tomorrow, would he?

_You´re starting to sound pathetic,_ Ben thought, but he honestly wasn´t quite sure if he was ready for this kind of conversation Corey wanted to have. Sure, it was obvious that they couldn´t go on like this, but he was human after all and part of him would apparently rather live in denial and hook up with his best friend randomly when drunk rather than having his heart broken.

That was the thought that had Ben deciding on the last option then and he was already half way around the corner, when Corey´s voice stopped him and he froze, stomach dropping to his knees.

“You weren´t gonna leave me out here all night, were you?”

Ben bit his lip and turned around back slowly, his stomach twisting a little more. “No.” he then managed, even though it wasn´t quite true, and he knew that Corey did as well. There was no turning back now though, because Ben knew that Corey wasn´t going to let this go, and he couldn´t show up at Andrew´s with the other man following him, that probably wouldn´t go over so well.

“So do you wanna go inside or do we have to stay out here?”

Corey´s voice brought him back and Ben bit back a sigh, trying not to let his discomfort show. He was probably failing miserably, and Corey knew him well enough to realize that something was wrong, (not like he hadn´t know it before) and there was no way he was going to get out of this. Sure, he could have just told his best friend to leave, but that would have also meant a lot of awkwardness, more than right now, and the possible end of their friendship, and Ben wasn´t ready to deal with that, so he pulled out the keys from his pockets and put them into the lock, opening the door.

Suddenly he was rather glad that he had opted for ice cream instead of alcohol, because he wasn´t quite sure what he would have done if he had been tipsy, or worse, drunk, right now.

_Probably babble a whole lot of nonsense,_ he then thought, biting back another sigh as he entered the apartment, turning on the lights. Ben could hear Corey close the door behind them and he took a deep breath, but he couldn´t bring himself to turn around. It all seemed so strange all of a sudden, like things had changed ever since the show had closed. Sure, they had all known that things would change, but Ben hadn´t assumed that it would be for worse. Corey and him had spent countless hours in this apartment, playing Mario Kart, getting drunk off their ass, singing the weirdest songs together, mostly while they were drunk, and had usually ended up on the floor laughing until their stomachs had hurt. It all seemed so far away now though, and for a moment Ben had the horrifying thought that it would stay this way. He suddenly didn´t feel at home in his own apartment anymore, and he couldn´t tell why.

Later he would realize that it was probably because he had spent the majority of his days during the last two years at the theatre with his friends, and whenever he had been back at his apartment it had mostly been with Corey, but right now they weren´t having fun, they were about to have a serious conversation and Ben had never been good with those.

“So…” Corey eventually spoke up as he watched his best friend drop the keys to the apartment on the table next to the door. “Are you going to tell me what´s up with you? Why aren´t you answering your phone? I called like, 30 times, and 10 of those times I was already here, waiting for you to open the door,”  
Ben bit his lip again and for the first time ever since entering the apartment he looked at Corey. It was a mistake, because the other man was just standing there, looking at him like a confused puppy, and then it hit Ben, Corey really didn´t know what was going on.

“Oh for fuck´s sake…” he muttered, running a hand through his hair as he tried to get some sense into his thoughts. He wasn´t ready for this conversation, that was obvious, but he sure as hell wasn´t really to have this conversation when Corey had no idea what they were actually talking about.

“Ben please, just…tell me what´s wrong,” Corey then tried again and Ben could feel his stomach twist as the other man took a few steps closer to him.

_So much._ Ben thought, but he didn´t say it out loud, he hadn´t even faced all of these problems, or _the one main problem,_ himself, and he sure as hell wasn´t ready to do it with the person that was part of that problem.

“Are you upset because I went on the trip?” Corey then asked and Ben finally looked up to meet his eyes again.

“What?”

“I know I said I wouldn´t go, but Liana found out I didn´t actually have plans so she dragged me along last minute so I ‘wouldn´t mope around’. I would have asked you to come, but I thought you had plans,” Corey shrugged his shoulders, his hands shoved into his pockets, and oh God why was Ben feeling even more guilty now? He wanted to hate the other man, hate him for not realizing what this was about, for only ever kissing him when they were drunk and for pretending that it hadn´t happened on the next day, when in reality he just hated himself for actually letting him do all these things without his knowing how much it actually hurt Ben.

“I do have plans,” he then said, and it wasn´t really a lie. Sure, he could have gone on the trip, but Ben wasn´t quite sure if he would have been the best company. Rehearsals wouldn´t start for another week or so, but he had chosen to stay at home, and while it seemed like a mistake now, he wasn’t quite sure if going on the trip and seeing Corey with that Blonde would have been any better.

“Look, I´m sorry if I did something wrong. I should have asked you, whether or not you said you had plans. We always do this stuff together, and…I just don´t want you to think that things are going to change just because we don´t see each other every day of the week anymore.” Corey was looking at him, and God damn it why was a simple look like that making Ben weak in the knees? “Hey, I know what we should do?” there was a slight hint of excitement in Corey´s tone now and Ben could feel his stomach twist.

“…no?” he still asked tentatively, trying not to bite his lip as he somehow willed his heart to stop beating so fast. He wasn´t quite sure when it had started racing, but there was just something about Corey, about the way he looked, his smile, the way his eyes lit up when he had an idea, that made Ben´s heart beat faster and fuck he was so screwed.

“We should go on a road trip. Just you and me. Right now.” He was practically beaming by now and Ben had to give up on his attempt to slow down his racing heart.

“I have rehearsals,” he then managed because it was rather hard to concentrate when Corey was being so enthusiastic and up to now he had always ended up giving in to any ideas the other man has had, and somehow he had a feeling that that he wasn´t going to get out of this one either, even if it sounded like the worst thing they could be doing right now.

“But not for a while, right? Come on, just a few days. You and me. Before the adult world catches up on us,” Corey´s smile had gotten brighter, if that was even possible, and Ben knew that he should be saying no to this, because with what he was feeling this could only be classified as the train wreck of the century, but how the hell was he supposed to say no to Corey when he was getting this excited?

“We don´t have a car.” Ben then found himself saying, because at this point his brain was taking every possible excuse it could come up with, even though they weren´t quite as strong as he would like them to be.

“Seriously? This is New York City, you can rent a car at any time.” Corey interjected and _Oh God he´s being serious._

“Wait, you wanna go right now?!” Ben then asked, a little confused. Why couldn´t they at least wait until the morning? When Corey would realize that this was a stupid idea and that he should be going back to Fire Island to spend his time with this Blonde girl, whose damn name Ben just couldn´t remember. Not that it mattered, or well…it shouldn´t.

“Of course!” Corey then grinned and oh God if he only knew what was going on in Ben´s head then he wouldn´t be so damn chipper. He didn´t though, obviously, and without Ben even noticing it, Corey had moved in even closer and suddenly Ben´s heart was pounding faster in his chest again. He wasn´t sure when this had happened, sure, he had enjoyed kissing the other man, even if it was only when drunk, but they had spent almost every day of the last two years together and Ben had never felt this way before. Suddenly there were arms wrapped around him though, a hand petting on his back, and Corey was so close that Ben was scared the other boy could feel his heartbeat through his chest. Of course that was a stupid thought, but he couldn´t help himself.

“Alright, pack your stuff! I´m gonna go and grab mine and then I´ll text you the address of the car rental place, we´ll meet up there,” Corey was still beaming when he pulled back, giving Ben a smile before he turned around and walked out, leaving Ben to stand in his corridor, his heart beating like crazy, and his brain repeatedly yelling _No!_ at him.

This could only end in disaster, could it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I see you all reading my stories, come talk to me so we can flail over these two idiots together <3


	4. You're In My Veins And I Cannot Get You Out

And there Ben was, standing in front of the car rental place with a bag slung over his shoulder, staring up at the neon sign that spelled the name of said place, and wondering what the hell he was even doing. This was a bad idea, and he knew it, but Corey didn´t and apparently Ben would rather go on this trip and be tortured by being close to his best friend and pretending like everything was okay than to actually be an adult and have the much needed talk, which would essentially break his heart.  It made sense, to some extent, but that didn´t mean that it was the right thing to do.

He let out a sigh and was just about to move so he could enter the store, when Corey pushed the door open and came towards him with a big grin on his face. Ben was a little taken aback for a moment, just looking at his best friend, until he realized that Corey was actually talking.

_Stop it!_ He told himself as he tried putting on a smile and getting the hang of what the other man was saying.  Corey was rolling his eyes playfully already though, shoving Ben´s shoulder. “What were you dreaming about? I said I´ve got the keys and the paperwork is done, so we can get the car, come on!”

Ben found himself nodding, still trying to sort out his thoughts, as he followed his best friend down to the garage. He still couldn´t quite believe that he had actually agreed to doing this, because it was insane, but he couldn´t really back out anymore, and part of him didn´t want to. Part of him was happy that Corey had come back for him, that he was preferring a road trip with Ben over hanging out with this blonde girl, not that there were any hard feelings, Ben was convinced that she was lovely, but he couldn´t control the slight jealously (or not so slight, but he wasn´t about to admit that) when he thought back on the picture he had seen less than 12 hours ago and which had started this whole mess.

The car was quite nice, it was a VW Beetle Convertible, not too big but also not too small, just right for two people, actually, and it was the perfect car for a summer road trip. Those were things that were running through Ben´s mind as he tried to distract himself from Corey and his smile, which was just so goddamn pretty and it made Ben´s stomach flutter but it was absolutely, and in no way, helping.

“I made a good choice, didn’t I?” Corey asked with a grin as he pressed the button to unlock the car, throwing his own bag onto the backseat before taking Ben´s and doing the same.   
“Yeah, it´s great.” Ben said with a nod as he moved around the car to get into the passenger seat. He did have a driver’s license, but he didn´t have the faintest idea where they were going and since this had been Corey´s idea he figured that the other man should drive.  Soon enough Corey was in the car as well then, starting the engine.

“Ready?” he asked, the smile still on his face, and fuck no, Ben wasn´t ready, not nearly, but what was he supposed to say? He simply nodded then, trying his best to give Corey a smile in return, silently patting himself on the back for going to acting school and for actually being good at his profession, because he wasn´t sure if he would manage to survive this any other way.

-

It wasn´t too cold outside, but they had chosen to keep the convertible top closed for now, especially since they were driving on the interstate. Thankfully it wasn´t as awkward as Ben had made it out to be, at least not yet. They had barely been driving for an hour though, so things could change eventually, not that he wanted them to. Ben wanted to go back to when he hadn´t realized yet that he was in love with his best friend and that said best friend was completely clueless about that fact, which had led to them going on a road trip to God knew where, but apparently that wasn´t possible, because time travelling wasn´t invented yet.

“Wait,” Ben eventually spoke up as he turned from watching the other cars and road signs pass by to Corey. “Where are we even going?” He knew that they were driving south, and that they hadn´t really agreed on a destination, but Corey needed to have some sort idea where they were going, right?

“Well I was thinking,” the other man then said with a grin, “Florida. With a few stops on the way, obviously. But we´ll go to _Sea World_ and _Disneyland_ and oh, I´m so buying you these Mickey Mouse Ears! I bet they´ll look adorable on you,” he was still grinning and Ben was blushing, of course he was goddamnit, so he quickly nodded and turned back to looking out the window, hoping that Corey wouldn´t see the blush that was resting on his cheeks.

“Wait, Florida?” he then asked, because apparently his brain needed a moment to catch up when there was a compliment intended for him involved.

“Yeah,” Corey replied with a laugh. “You think we should call Nic and have him sing the Orlando part of _Two By Two_ for us?” he then asked with a grin and Ben couldn´t help but let out a chuckle.

“Oh yeah because he´s totally not going to hate us for calling him at,” he glanced up at the digital clock. “1.30am.” he then finished his sentence, which only had Corey grinning wider.

“Hey, he can´t catch us, we´re already too far away.”

-

For some reason that statement had led to a whole marathon of singing along to the _Catch Me If You Can_ soundtrack and soon enough Corey was pulling off the interstate and navigating the car towards a small town. Ben leaned back in his seat, looking over at the other man.  
“Where the hell are we?” he then asked, the hint of a smile on his face. It almost felt like the old times he so desperately wished he could go back to. Them singing along on the top of their lungs, making weird faces at each other, or well, Ben had made the weird faces at Corey because the other man had to drive, but still. It reminded him of all these nights spent in his apartment with Ben playing piano and Corey giving his best rendition of _‘Out Tonight’_ until they both couldn´t keep it together anymore and had ended up rolling around on the floor laughing like maniacs. Ben had gotten weird looks from his neighbours after it had happened for the first time, but eventually they must have given up on trying to judge him, maybe because Corey and he were frequently playing their own version of _Miscast_ at his apartment.

“It´s called…” Corey then spoke up, pulling Ben out of his thoughts. “Voorhees Township,” he pointed to one of the signs on the side of the road and Ben looked over, barely catching what was written on it before they had passed it.

“And what´s in Voorhees Township?” he asked, trying to figure out if they had pronounced  the name correctly.

“Nothing, but I´m tired and I want to get some sleep before we continue our drive tomorrow.” Corey then shrugged. “And they surely have a motel here somewhere, can you check on your phone?”

Ben simply nodded and pulled out his phone when he was momentarily reminded of the picture, the message and the ignored calls, which had led to this possible train wreck. He bit his lip and ignored the twisting of his stomach then before typing the name of the town into his phone and eventually managed to navigate them towards one of the two only motels in town. It honestly looked like a ghost town at first sight, because all the houses and stores were dark, which made sense since it was about 3 in the morning, but still. The motel looked quiet too as Corey pulled into the parking lot and they got out, stretching and trying to shake off the feeling of having sat in one position for too long.

“Are you sure anyone´s even awake?” Ben then asked, slinging his bag over his shoulder as they made their way to the small building which had a neon sign with “reception” hanging over the door, to which Corey pointed promptly.

“It says open 24 hours,” he then shrugged before raising his hand and knocking on the door.

 Apparently _‘open 24 hours’_ here didn´t mean the same as _‘open 24 hours’_ in New York though, because it took about twenty minutes and various attempts of attracting attention before a rather disgruntled looking man came shuffling to the door and handed them both the paperwork to fill out without even speaking so much as a word. Corey and Ben simply filled it out then, slightly raising their eyebrows when their eyes met, and sometimes it was almost strange how they didn’t need any words to communicate.

_Especially since, on the other side, he is completely clueless about my feelings for him,_ Ben then thought as they took their bags and made their way to their room. He was pretty tired at this point though, so he was glad that they could go to sleep now before he started babbling and would let anything slip that was most definitely not meant to slip. When Corey pushed the key into the lock and opened the door, Ben stepped inside, but it wasn´t until he noticed the king size bed that he almost dropped his bag to the floor without a warning. He somehow managed to not make any surprised noises though, because he really wasn´t quite sure if he had been able to explain those.

_Oh no, no no no no no._ That was pretty much the only thing he could think at that moment because no, he could absolutely not sleep in a bed with Corey. It was something he hadn´t thought about before, because it wasn´t unusual for them to share a bed, and with Corey being so clueless why should the other man think of doing anything other than what they usually did? Ben had actually given up on counting how many times he had thought ‘I´m screwed’ today, because it would only depress him even more.

_You agreed to go on a road trip with him, this is not going to be the last time you will have to share a bed with him,_ he then reminded himself and for a moment he considered if he could somehow pull off a reasonable explanation for having to sleep on the couch, but he was momentarily distracted by the fact that Corey had stripped down to his boxers and was getting under the covers already.

“Turn the lights off when you recover from whatever has you mesmerized this much, will you?” his best friend then chuckled before almost disappearing under the covers completely.

Ben swallowed and finally willed himself to move, walking over to the other side of the bed. He quickly took off his pants and shirt, while he kept his undershirt on, and then slide under the covers, hating himself for making sure that there was a gap between them. It wasn´t even Corey´s fault, at least not completely, if Ben could just get over this stupid crush then they could go back to how things had been before and have an amazing time together.

He suppressed a sigh and turned off the lights eventually, but sleep wouldn´t come. He could hear Corey breathing next to him and maybe he was going crazy but Ben swore that he could feel the heat of the other man´s body radiate all the way over to him and he had a hard time to keep himself from shivering.

“Ben?” Corey´s voice echoed through the dark then and Ben couldn´t help but feel his heart miss a beat.

“Yeah?” he asked after a moment, letting out a breath he hadn´t been aware of holding.

“I know I went a little bit crazy…but I always figured that was us, a bit crazy, you know?” he let out a soft laugh. “So thanks…for coming with me, I wouldn´t want to be doing this trip with anyone else,”  
Ben could hear the honesty in his best friend´s voice and for a moment he felt bad for not telling him the truth, but he couldn´t bring himself to just speak up, or hold on to Corey´s hand when it brushed against  his as the other man shifted on the bed.

“No need to thank me,” he said instead, glad that Corey couldn´t see his face in the dark. “You´re my best friend, of course I´d want to be here with you,”

_And at least,_ Ben thought, _that´s not a lie._


	5. What Hurts The Most

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeees hey, I´m still alive and here´s the next chapter, sorry for the wait and I hope you enjoy it <3

When Ben woke up the sun had already risen, which had been expected since they hadn´t made it into the motel before 4 am, and yet the sun hadn´t been what had woke him up. He blinked a couple of times, noticing the few rays of sunshine that were streaming through the curtains and he almost smiled, until he realized where he actually was and that Cory was practically on top of him, arm draped across Ben´s middle, with their legs tangled together. He wasn´t quite sure what had caused them to end up this way, but it surely wasn´t common. A forehead pressed against his shoulder or Corey holding onto his arm, yes, but never like this.

 _Of course this has to happen now…_ Ben though as he caught sight of the alarm clock on the bedside table, telling him that it was only a few minutes past 9am. They should probably check out before ten if they didn´t want to pay for another night, but sadly that thought only occupied his mind for about a minute before he was casually reminded that, yes, the man he was in love with was still on top of him, practically pushing him into the mattress, and not giving him a single chance to move.

 _This is what torture feels like…_ He managed to think before Corey was stirring slightly, blinking himself awake. Ben hadn´t realized that he was holding his breath until he needed some air to fill his lungs if he didn´t want to faint.

“…mhh mornin’,” Corey smiled and for a moment Ben almost let out a laugh, because it was funny how his best friend still talked in that specific New York accent whenever he was tired. It had happened before, when he had been really sleepy, or waking up in the morning, like now, and Ben assumed it would wear off once the show had been closed for longer, but for now it made him smile, despite him trying his best to ignore the fluttering in his stomach that the other man´s smile had caused once again.

“Good morning,” Ben eventually managed, trying to subtly take the breath he needed without having Corey asking him why he was breathing weirdly.

“What time is it?” For some reason his best friend didn´t even make any attempt to roll off him, but  just raised his head instead, resting his chin on Ben´s chest and looking at him. Something that, once again, didn´t really make concentrating on anything easier, but thankfully Ben could at least remember the time.

“Quarter past nine,” he said, trying to keep his arms at his sides and not wrap them around Corey like his brain was yelling at him to do. “We should probably take a shower and then check out if we don´t want to stay for another night.” Honestly, anything was better than being trapped between Corey and a mattress, at least when the other man was so clueless. Plus they were trying to get to Florida and they didn´t have an eternity to get there, even if part of Ben wished that they did, because despite the fact that it was hard to be close to Corey it was still time they could spend together, something that might change soon now that they were both going to be busy with other things, and apparently he was pretty good at torturing himself with being close to the man he was in love with and who was more clueless about it than anyone Ben had ever seen.

-

They eventually managed to get out of bed and check out in time. Ben was driving this time, now that he actually knew where they were going. Things were okay as long as Corey wasn´t too close, because that was when Ben could pretend that things were back to normal, that they were just two best friends driving down the highway with the convertible top open and singing along loudly to any song that came on the radio. It was when he somehow managed ignore the fluttering in his stomach that occurred every time he caught a glimpse of Corey smiling brightly and making funny faces while singing.

Two hours passed until they decided to make a stop in Baltimore, mostly because Corey wanted to take a picture so he could post it on Instagram with the caption “ _Good Morning Baltimore!”_ and Ben couldn´t even roll his eyes because this idiot was being so damn adorable and he couldn´t help but be in love with him. He had to stop for a moment then, because while this wasn´t new information anymore it still always took him by surprise and made his stomach twist as soon as he thought about all those nights when they had gotten drunk and ended up making out, all those nights Corey had seemingly forgotten and that were burning in the back of Ben´s mind as soon as he let his own mind wander or his thoughts slow down so that he had actually time to think about these things.

They hadn´t actually planned on staying longer, because despite having driven for a while it was still a long way down to Florida, but somehow, on their way back to the car, Corey caught sight of a sign that announced a karaoke night in a bar just around the corner and if there was anything Corey couldn´t go past without wanting to join it was karaoke night, and well, Ben was bad at saying no to Corey, which was how they ended up booking a room in a motel that wasn´t too far from the bar. It was a little fancier than then one they had spent their last night in, but it still only had one bed, because that had worked so well last night, hadn´t it? Ben tried not to think about it took much though, because he wanted to enjoy himself and he could still worry about waking up tangled with Corey, once again, later.

The bar was already filled with people when they entered and Corey was practically beaming. It was nice to see him that way, especially because Ben knew how he himself had felt after the show had ended. Sure, they would go on to other things, but Newsies had been a big part of their lives and it wasn´t easy to get over the fact that others were now playing the roles that they had helped shaping. He didn´t want to dwell on that now though, especially not when Corey was in such a good mood and had already wandered off to buy them something to drink. Ben didn´t even give his mind a chance to wander back to what usually happened when they got drunk, because that was something that could definitely not happen this time. This was supposed to be a fun trip between best friends and somehow also Ben´s chance to get over the fact that he was in love with his best friend. He was still convinced that he could do it, that, if he could survive this trip, he would be fine once they were back in New York since they wouldn´t be able to see each other every day anyway, and being away from Corey would probably help with this, or at least that was what he liked to tell himself.

“Have you thought about what we should sing?” Corey asked a little while later when they were both sitting on one of the tables, sipping on their beers. Ben had decided that one beer would be okay, because Corey had bought them already and he kept telling himself that he would be able to contain himself. Of course it hadn´t always been him who had initiated these kisses, or make out sessions, often he had felt himself pressed up against the bathroom door, Corey´s lips on his, not even caring that people were trying to get in and that they were blocking the way, but he really couldn´t let this happen now, whether it was him or Corey who would  have started it.

“Which means I have to stay away from the bathroom…” he muttered and Corey raised an eyebrow, looking over at his best friend.

“I´m afraid you have to talk a little louder for me to understand you song choices,” he then laughed and Ben did his best not to blush as he shook his head.

“Nothing,” he then said. “I don´t know, you pick something. I´ll go along with it,”

Corey rolled his eyes but didn´t seemed to complain because he took a sip of his beer, thinking for a moment. “Well, we could either do something funny, which is usually reserved for either of our apartments, because chances are nobody here knows who we are,” he chuckled and Ben took a large sip of his beer, hoping to hide his face and the blush on his cheeks, which was now most definitely there, behind it. “Or we could impress everyone and get out our special version of ‘What you own’ from Stop The Presses.”

Ben looked up at his best friend then, thankful for the second option. During _What You Own_ he could at least concentrate on playing the piano more than on Corey, which wouldn´t be the case if they would be singing anything else, like _Light My Candle_. He could feel his cheeks heating up more at the sheer thought of it and quickly decided on _What You Own_ , which Corey seemed to approve of.

They had another beer, because one more couldn´t hurt, right? Before it was their turn to take the stage and thankfully Ben had to concentrate on remembering the notes so he didn´t have much time to actually look up at Corey. He could feel the other man´s eyes on him though, and his heart was beating faster in his chest.

_“Just tighten those shoulders_   
_Just clench your jaw till you frown_   
_Just don't let go or you may drown,”_

Ben remembered how they had sung this at ‘Stop The Presses’ not more than a week ago, and yet so many things had changed, or they had for him at least. He could feel his stomach flutter at the way Corey was looking at him, even though it probably hadn´t changed from when they had last performed it, but it was almost terrifying just how well the lyrics fit. He couldn´t let himself go, because if Ben did, if he let anything slip, he would risk losing his best friend and that was not an option.

_“What was it about that night?”_

It was too easy to think about that night, about all those nights, really, but precisely about that first night at the bar, Ben remembered it like it was yesterday. Remembered the bar, the drinks and Corey´s dopey grin, his own laughter as the other man had pushed him against the door playfully and how his breath had caught in his throat when he had felt Corey´s lips pressed up against his for the first time. The memories were all too vivid in his head and they made it hard to breathe, which wasn´t exactly an advantage when he was trying to sing. Still, he kept going though, because he was having a good time, in his own way, and he wasn´t sure how many times he would be able to still do this with Corey. They would always be friends, but they wouldn´t be together as much anymore and maybe that was good to finally get over him, but the truth was that Ben was terrified that things wouldn´t go back to how they were before and he wasn´t quite sure how to deal with all of this.

_“And when you're dying in America_   
_At the end of the millennium_   
_You´re always out there, carrying the banner_

_You´re not alone,”_

It wasn´t until they were singing the added Newsies part that Ben actually looked up, meeting Corey´s eyes, and for a moment the world seemed to fall away. He could feel himself playing the keys of the piano, but if you asked him about it later he probably wouldn´t be able to tell you how he managed to keep going when his mind and practically every fibre of his body were absorbed by Corey and his voice, which was getting under Ben´s skin, giving him goose bumps. The song was over then though, and the applause from the other guests at the bar was what brought him back to his normal self and he smiled, trying his best to seem chipper. Nobody here knew him, or so he assumed, so nobody would be able to tell just how much his heart was going crazy, not even Corey, but that was something Ben didn´t want to think about. Yet, the other man was with him in an instant, his arms wrapping around Ben, and Ben momentarily forgot how to breathe. It was almost sad how well they fit together when they were like this, arms around each other and bodies pushed together, almost like they were made to be just like that, and yet it obviously wasn´t meant to be more than a friendly hug, even if it didn´t feel like it, it seemed…wasted, like there could be so much more, but maybe that was just him and his stupid mind which couldn´t stop thinking about how it felt to kiss Corey and to have the other man´s hands all over his body.

“I need a drink…” Ben muttered as they pulled apart, and Corey didn´t protest.


	6. Let Him Go

One drink turned into many more and the promise he had made to himself of not getting wasted, so he wouldn´t even be tempted to fall back into old habits, had been long forgotten. Still there was the voice in the back of his mind that reminded him of the heartbreak was to come and that would be unavoidable if he kept letting himself get sucked into this…this thing they apparently had. At least he managed to avoid the bathroom, especially when Corey went there, so that was a plus, right? And a sign that his mind was still functioning at least a little.

 

Ben couldn´t quite tell what time it was when they left the bar, he was actually quite surprised that he still knew the way back to their motel, but somehow it didn´t quite matter. They probably wouldn´t be up early enough to check out on time, which meant they would have to stay another night, but spending the whole next day in bed did seem quite appealing to him right now anyway.

 

The way back to the motel seemed longer than it had been earlier when they had walked from the motel to the bar, but back then Corey hadn´t been leaning against him, an arm wrapped around his waist so he wouldn´t fall over. It hadn´t been all Ben was able to concentrate on, like it was now, apart from his racing heartbeat and the way his head was spinning, both from the alcohol and from having his best friend so close. He couldn´t even tell how long it had taken them to get back to the motel, because his mind was occupied with so many other things, all of them including Corey, and while Ben hated himself for being so weak that he let these thoughts control him like that, he still somehow managed to get into the room and manoeuvre the other man onto the bed without completely losing his mind. Maybe it would be best for him to sleep on the small couch in the corner of the room, he had never been picky with places where he could sleep anyway and honestly, everything would be better than a place where he could accidentally touch Corey and fall right back into something he had been trying to avoid for the past few days.

 

Ben had just managed to get rid of his shoes, tossing them into the next best corner, when he noticed that Corey was talking, probably to him. He couldn´t quite make out what the other man was saying though, because his words were half slurred and he was way too quiet to reach Ben from his spot on the bed. Ben blinked a few times, trying to stabilize himself, before he moved over to the bed, looking at his best friend, who was lying on his back, his shirt half ridden up and his hair a mess and damn, why did he have to look so good even when he was completely wasted?

 

Still, Ben couldn´t understand a word Corey was saying, so he leaned down to get closer to the other man which, in retrospective, hadn´t been such a good idea, because soon enough he was grabbed by his shirt and pulled further down. He tumbled onto the bed, and unavoidably onto Corey, who was laughing, but only until he had flipped them over and his lips were pressed up against Ben´s.

 

It was a dejá vu, only that, this time, they were on a bed and with the way Corey was pulling on his shirt and kissing him so hard that Ben was having trouble breathing and thinking at the same time, he knew that it wouldn´t just be a drunken make out session if he didn´t put an end to it. It was hard to end something you really wanted to, though. It felt like it had been months, years maybe, since anyone had touched him like this, with so much passion and want, and yet he knew that it wasn´t real. It had always been like this, drunken make outs, seemingly forgotten in the morning, and he wasn´t quite ready to face that morning. Back then he had been able to avoid Corey for the rest of the day, or at least long enough to calm down, but here he would have to sleep in the same room, possibly the same bed, and keep driving with him for another few days, and things had been hard enough as they were, and the more he could feel Corey´s lips on his and the other man´s hips pushing down against his own, the more Ben was convinced that he wouldn´t be able to handle it.

 

Surely, this could also ruin their trip, and possibly their friendship, but he was too drunk himself to think everything through properly and right now his heart was just trying to protect itself and fighting against his body, who was willing to just let this happen because it felt too good to have these lips on his neck and those hands, which had touched him without a second thought so many times, fisted into his clothes.

 

It felt like an eternity until Ben finally managed to press his hands against Core ** __**y´s chest to push him off of him. “Stop…you…you need to stop,” he managed, a little out of breath, as he brought himself into an upright position. Corey seemed to be confused as to why they had stopped and everything in Ben was screaming at him to just keep going, because he didn´t want to have this talk, but he couldn´t let himself get into this even deeper than he already had.

 

“What´s…wrong?” Corey´s voice was quiet and confused, almost uncertain, as if he really couldn´t understand why Ben had pushed him back. That was making everything just all the more worse, because he couldn´t quite tell whether Corey had really forgotten about all their previous make out sessions or if he simply couldn´t understand why it was suddenly not okay to have them anymore. Both of these things weren´t exactly good options, and both of them somehow meant that it was all Ben´s fault, because he had let them go on without interfering, even if he had known that it wasn´t right.

 

 _Because you idiot had to get attached in the worst possible way,_ he thought, feeling his stomach twist. It would have been so much easier if he had just found someone else, a nice guy, one who actually loved him back, like Andrew had said: There were many other guys who would fall at his feet if he gave them his attention, but here he was, in love with his best friend and about to have his heart broken and their friendship ruined.

 

Ben sighed, biting his lip as he desperately tried to calm down his racing heart and to actually look at Corey as he spoke. It would hurt, God it really would, but he had to see his reaction. “We can´t keep doing this, you have to understand,” he shook his head slightly, and it was almost scary just how sober he suddenly felt. He must have had at least five beers and more glasses of something he couldn´t even remember, and yet everything was suddenly so clear that Ben knew that this moment was something he would remember in detail for the rest of his life, whether he wanted it or not.

 

“Why…not? It´s been nice…” Corey said, his voice even quieter now as he looked over at Ben, his hand twitching as if he wanted to reach out but thought better of it. It was such a simple question with such an easy answer, and yet Ben was speechless for a moment. He couldn´t quite believe that Corey couldn´t see the problem with what they had been doing. Was this what he thought they were? Did he think Ben was just someone he could use whenever he felt like making out with a guy?

 

“God couldn´t you just pick someone else for your experiments? There´s a ton of gay or bi men in New York City and you had to go and pick me? Come on,” It felt like the words were tumbling out of his mouth without any control by now. He was angry, and hurt, and there was no way this could be saved in any way, so it seemed like his brain had decided to just wreck whatever was left of this relationship.

 

“Experiments?” Corey asked, sounding confused once more. “You´re not…why would you even think that you´re any kind of experiment to me?” he shook his head and Ben knew that he should stop, maybe even kiss him and just go back to how things had been before, just so this talk wouldn´t have to continue, but it was too late, the words kept tumbling out of his mouth without a way to stop them.

 

“Oh please, all we´ve ever done is make out in bathrooms when both of us were completely wasted, and hell yes at first it was fun and exciting, but do you even know what it feels like to wake up the next day, bruises from being pushed against the door still on your back, only to be greeted as if nothing has changed?” The pain in Ben´s chest only seemed to be growing now and he felt like he was going to be sick any minute, maybe he could still make it to the bathroom and lock himself in it, though…the bathroom probably wasn´t the best place to be right now. Actually, nowhere was the right place to be, unless a hole, in which he could disappear, would suddenly appear in the ground.

 

“I didn´t…” Corey began, but Ben didn´t let him speak. It felt like he couldn´t let the other man interrupt him, that, if he let Corey speak, things would only get worse.

 

“Don´t…just…why did you even come here? Why didn´t you stay on that stupid trip with that stupid Blonde and let me be? I would have been over you eventually, I would have found a nice guy, but this…this is not something I can do, I just…I can´t be with you like that, it´s driving me crazy and it´s breaking my damn heart,” Everything coming from his mouth seemed to make things worse though and fuck, Ben could feel his eyes filling with tears and the last thing he wanted was for Corey to see him cry. It wouldn´t be the first time, surely not, but it would be the first time that he had cried because of the other man and that was not something he wanted to happen. It wasn´t something Corey deserved, he didn´t deserve to see the tears he was causing, it was enough that he was here, staring at Ben with these confused and hurt expression in his eyes, something that Ben couldn´t understand. How could he still be confused about this? And Corey didn´t have the right to be hurt over Ben ending this, whatever it was, because he had been the one to ignore it all these months.

 

Soon enough Ben was off the bed, scrambling for his shoes and trying not to fall over as he did. He could feel the alcohol, which was clearly still in his system, once more and God he really needed to get out of here. As soon as he had managed to put on his shoes though, he could feel Corey´s hand on his arm, holding onto him tightly. He froze in his place for a moment and it felt like his heart had stopped for those few seconds as well. He couldn´t count just how many times the world had fallen away around them and had left nothing but Corey and him, how many times he had wanted to do nothing but savour these moments, but it was too late.

 

“Ben…” it was just a simple word, and yet it seemed to hold so much meaning to it that Ben had a hard time to hold the tears back once more. “Please…just…where are you even going?” The other man´s voice was on the edge of breaking and there were so many things Ben wanted to say, things that weren´t so hurtful, but it felt like they were stuck in his throat, much like he had been stuck on Corey, but he needed to change that. He couldn´t keep hurting himself this way, it might be bad now, but it had to get better eventually, right? It couldn´t get better if he kept avoiding the problem, that was something even Corey had to understand.

 

Ben bit his lip, the taste and feel of Corey´s lip long filed away in his mind as something he would never forget, before shaking off the other man´s hand. “I´m just…I´m going to sleep in the car or something…” he then muttered, forcing himself to actually look at his best friend, if he could still call him that. “Just…please…don´t…just leave me alone, I´m done.” The words were colder than he had intended them to be, or maybe he had intended them to sound just like that, Ben couldn´t even tell anymore. Part of him wanted to cause Corey the same pain he had been going through, but then he knew that it was impossible, because he would only be losing his best friend while Ben also had his heart broken.

 

“Ben…” His name was uttered once again and once more it struck him to the core and if it wouldn´t have been so damn cliché Ben would have thought that he could actually feel his heart shatter into a million pieces as he turned away and let the door fall shut behind him while Corey stayed right where he was, not even making a move to follow him.


	7. Without You Things Go Hazy

It had turned out that a VW Beetle Convertible was not the best place to sleep. Not that Ben had actually planned on sleeping a lot, he had been convinced that he wouldn´t be able to, though he must have fallen asleep due to the alcohol and the exhaustion from tears he hadn´t been able to stop from falling. It was stupid, he knew that, and still he couldn´t change the way he felt. He should have probably just stayed at home, away from Corey, and things would have been fine eventually, but that wasn´t how love worked, even if it was unrequited. He couldn´t help but want to be close to Corey, even now, but he knew that it was impossible because even seeing him now would hurt more than he could imagine.

 

Ben sighed, stretching a little, as far as it was possible in this car, trying not to wince at the pain in his neck and back. He should have just gotten himself another room, this was Baltimore after all there had to have been a motel or hostel that was still open after midnight, but he hadn´t. For a moment he had considered simply taking the car and driving back to New York, because staying here and possibly being faced with Corey once more had seemed like the worst thing that could happen, but then again he had still been drunk and while Ben was upset and had maybe been careless with his words he wasn´t about to get himself, or anyone else, in danger by driving while being drunk.

 

He couldn´t quite tell what time it had been when he had woken up, but it didn´t really matter. He was awake and he had to find a way to get home and to somehow get himself together again. It wasn´t the first time that he liked someone who didn´t want a relationship with him, and yet it was the worst up to date, because his friendship with Corey was at stake, or possibly ruined already, something Ben didn´t want to think about.

 

 _If I just hadn´t texted him that day…_ he thought with a sigh, shaking his head. Maybe things would have gone a different way then, but it wouldn´t have changed a thing about how he felt and while it might have given him more time Ben figured that this clash would have been inevitable, maybe it wouldn´t have been as bad as it had been now, but he had the slight suspicion that this wouldn´t have just gone away like all the other crushes he´s had before.

 

It wasn´t until there was a knock on the window that Ben was pulled from his thoughts, his heart missing a beat when he turned his head to find Corey standing next to the car and damn, he should have just left. Of course Ben knew that they had to talk about this eventually, especially if they wanted to attempt to save their friendship, but he had no idea what to do or say. The thought of losing Corey, even as his best friend, seemed to paralyse him and he was simply staring for a moment before he somehow managed to unlock the car. Still, his hands wouldn´t listen to his attempts to get them to open the door. Corey seemed to understand though, of course he did, they had known each other for a long time and knew how the other worked, so instead of standing there any longer he moved around and got into the car, closing the door.

 

There was a silence that lasted for about a minute, or maybe longer, Ben couldn´t quite tell, he had lost any sense of time by now, and it wasn´t until Corey spoke up that he actually managed to move his head and look over at the other man.

 

“I´m sorry.” It were just two words, and in any other situation they would have been so very important to Ben, but what good were they to him now? What was Corey even apologizing for? For the fight? For the fact that he had lead him on in a way or always pretended not to remember their kisses? These were two words he, surprisingly, didn´t want to hear, because they did absolutely nothing for him other than to make things worse.

 

“Just…don´t,” Ben found himself saying, shaking his head. “I shouldn´t…I shouldn´t have made this bigger than it was, I should have just…never sent that text message, just kept things as they were,” _Because at least I had you, even if it wasn´t to myself,_

 

Corey let out a sigh then, shaking his head. He couldn´t even begin to understand how things could have gone so terribly wrong. He figured that, sometimes, you thought that something was quite alright for the longest time until, one day, it just blows up in your face, leaving you confused and heartbroken. He couldn´t quite believe how they could have both been feeling a certain way and completely missed the way it affected the other. Usually Corey noticed when something was wrong with Ben, and if it was the smallest thing, but apparently that didn´t work when the thing that was wrong had to do with Corey himself. It was ironic, and heartbreaking at the same time, but he knew he couldn´t dwell on that, not when he wanted to fix this.

 

“Just…would you listen to me for a second?” Corey eventually said with another sigh, turning in his seat so he was facing his best friend. This was a lot harder than any of the talks he´s ever had with people whom he cared about, but then again Corey had never really been in a situation like this. Ben was one of the most important people in his life, if not _the_ most important person. They had spent almost every day of the last year together, not to forget their long on going friendship before that, and that was not something Corey was ready to give up. Actually he wasn´t sure whether he would ever be able to give that up. It was the reason why he had come straight back to New York after Ben hadn´t answered his phone calls, because he couldn´t deal with the fact that the other man wasn´t talking to him or was upset with him for whatever reason. He had dropped everything and gone back only to fall asleep in front of Ben´s door, just because he had been scared of missing him should he have gone home. He couldn´t deal with the other man being upset with him, of course he didn´t like it when anyone was upset with him, but with Ben it was even worse. They had always been like that. When they had fought it hadn´t lasted a day until one of them had given in and apologized. They had always spent the day together after that, doing some funny or weird stuff to forget about the fight, and that had resulted into one of their _‘Miscast’_ sessions more than once. It all seemed so far away to Corey now though, like it had been years ago. Things had changed ever since then, or maybe they hadn´t at all, maybe they had always been feeling this way and had just never acknowledged it. Corey honestly couldn´t tell, not that it mattered, what mattered now was that he found a way to fix this before it fell apart completely.

 

“Is there really more to say than what was said last night?” Ben then asked and Corey frowned, nodding his head. He could see the hurt in the other man´s eyes and it was breaking his heart over and over again.

 

“Of course there is,” he then replied with a nod. “How could there not be? You didn´t even let me speak last night,” It was true, Corey hadn´t even been given the chance to explain himself and when Ben had told him not to follow him Corey had listened to him, because he knew his best friend well enough to know that another talk wouldn´t have been possible then. Instead he had stayed in the hotel room, empty headed and scared, but he hadn´t dared to go after him. Sleep hadn´t want to come though so Corey had gotten up to look for Ben eventually. He had found him in the car then, and had ended up just standing there for a while, watching him and trying to somehow make sense of all of these things that had happened in the past year, and especially in the past few days. It still didn´t make sense, not all of it at least, but some things were a lot clearer and Corey knew that he needed to fix this. “You told me that I pretended not to remember the kisses,” he then found himself saying. “And that´s true, I do remember them, better than the lines to the reprise of _Watch What Happens,_ I remember every single kiss, every move of our hands and how it felt to have your lips pressed up against mine, sometimes rough, sometimes almost timid, it´s like…like it has gotten under my skin and decided to stay there,” Corey took a deep breath, biting his lip as he forced himself to stay focused on Ben, who looked more than a little confused right now. “But I didn´t pretend to not know because I wanted to forget them, how could I? God…” he sighed once more. “I…I pretended to forget because you did as well. Every time it happened I waited for you to say something the next day, to give me any kind of indication that it wasn´t just a drunken hook up, but you never did…so I kept pretending, because you are the most important person in this world to me, I couldn´t lose you over some stupid feelings that I was suddenly having, Ben.”

 

Ben´s eyes had grown wider as Corey had spoken and for a moment he thought that, maybe, he was still dreaming. He was having alcohol induced dreams and when he woke up he would still be in the car, his neck and back hurting, and Corey would be in the hotel room, or anywhere, really, but he wouldn´t be here saying these things. He blinked a few times then, trying to figure out whether or not he should pinch himself, but then there was Corey´s hand reaching out for his and suddenly it didn´t feel like a dream anymore, not at all.

 

“You´re my best friend, you always have been, and you have to understand that I couldn´t lose you, not over something like this. I was ready to take what you could give me, because I know there´s lots of guys out there, guys who aren´t too stupid to confess their feelings because they are scared as hell to lose you, but…when you told me that you…that you felt the same last night, it all made sense,”

 

It was strange that Ben´s body seemed to decide to work again just in that moment and, without even wanting to, he had opened the door and was outside. He had never really been good at dealing with his feelings, and this was just something his brain couldn´t quite process. Part of him was scared that he was just making everything up, maybe even understanding something wrong, and he couldn´t let himself get his hopes up, not when he had been hurt like this.  He had no idea where to go from here, but he didn´t really get that far anyway, because soon enough there were fingers enclosing around his wrist, holding him back.

 

“No, you´re not running away from me again,” Corey´s voice was almost desperate and Ben´s heart skipped a beat as he stopped, slowly turning around to face the other man. “I´m not…did you not listen to what I just said? I can´t…I can´t lose you, not over something like this. I…shit this is a big thing, okay? You were never, _never_ , and you have to believe me, an experiment to me. I just…I thought ‘Okay, if that´s all he´s willing to give me and we can still be best friends, then I´ll take it,’ but I just…after what you said last night, shit…I just…I love you, okay?” The words were out before he could stop them, and maybe it was time that Corey stopped holding back, just this once, to maybe save what they had.


	8. Chapter 8

The words were still ringing in Ben´s ears and he was trying his best to actually believe them. Part of him still felt as if this was a dream, that he was still in the car and fast asleep with his brain making up things he wished were true, but there was Corey, whose fingers were still enclosed around his wrist to hold him there, and who was looking at him, a mixture of fear, desperation and yet love displaying in his eyes.

“Ben, please.” He eventually said, holding a little tighter onto the other man´s wrist. “Just…say something,”

And Ben was trying, he really was, but it felt like his mouth wasn´t taking any orders from him anymore. It almost felt like stage fright, a black out during the most important moment, and there was nothing he could do. His eyes locked with Corey´s for a moment and he thought back to all these moments they had shared together. All the moments of joy and sadness, the silliness that always ensured when they were together. Corey´s arm wrapped around Ben´s shoulders, the first hug they had shared after their first Newsies show, the one that seemed to have lasted a lifetime. Ben´s head on Corey´s lap when they had ended up falling asleep between shows, Corey´s hands running though Ben´s hair and his laugh when Ben had complained about the other man having ruined his hair. It felt like their whole time together was flashing before his eyes and Ben sincerely hoped that he wasn´t having a heart attack and would drop dead any second, because that would have been rather unfortunate.

“Alright…I know these things are never easy…but you´re kind of scaring me here…” Corey eventually said and his words seemed to finally free Ben of his paralysed state. He glanced down at where Corey´s fingers were still enclosed around his wrist before looking back up and meeting the other man´s eyes once more. So many things had been said during the past few days, some things had been left unsaid too and yet they had been felt and Ben wanted to kick himself for not being honest with his best friend. He had the slight feeling that Corey was thinking the same right about now and that was the thing. It always had been like that with them, they had never needed words, just looks, eyes meeting and arms wrapped around another for support, those things had always been enough for the two of them and Ben had a slight suspicion that it would still be enough now.

He remembered the first time they had met, when they had seen each other, talked and Ben had joked around, making Corey laugh in an instant. It felt like something had just clicked between them, but Ben had never thought that it would end up being more than the wonderful friendship they had been sharing over the past few years. Still, he began suspecting that there might have always been something there, something you either acted upon or missed your chance to make it something more, and even if he hadn´t thought about it before Ben had thought that he had surely missed his chance. Yet here they were and Corey was still staring at him and oh shit, he should have probably said something five minutes ago! Then Ben remembered that words weren´t needed here and his lips curled into a smile before he leaned in to press his lips against Corey´s.

It wasn´t the first time they kissed, by far, but it was the first time they were both actually sober and knowing what they were doing. Corey´s lips still felt the same pressed up against his, maybe a little dryer and chipped from biting down too hard onto them, a habit that always came out when Corey was thinking too hard or worrying too much, but they still felt right and the kiss still took Ben´s breath away. He was done thinking, he didn´t want to worry about what was to come, or that they were sharing their first real kiss in a dark parking lot in some hotel in Baltimore probably looking like crap, all that mattered was that they had finally said what they both had been wanting to say for what seemed like ages, even if it wasn´t through words but through something else, something far more honest and important.

They were both short on air soon enough, but Corey didn´t want to let go, he didn´t want to stop kissing the man he had been in love with for God knew how long, because despite his heart beating like crazy in his chest and Ben´s hands fisting in his shirt he was still scared that he was making this all up. That he had never gotten up from the bed and found his best friend sleeping in the car, that he was dreaming up something he wished to be reality and that would fade away the moment he let go. He figured it was because the first few times this had happened, when they had both been drunk and hungover the next day, it had seemed like a dream to Corey. It hadn´t sounded like something either of them would do and yet it had felt too real to be a dream.

Of course he had figured that kissing someone without being completely wasted was much better, but neither Corey nor Ben had thought that it would feel like this. Their hearts were beating right out of their chests, almost like that first time they had stood on a stage in front of a big audience, and suddenly there was a flashback somewhere back to that production of Rent and the first time their eyes had locked on stage. Somehow they had known that, as long as they had each other, things would be alright.

Ben wasn´t sure just how long it had been until they eventually pulled apart, but gasping for air and their lips curling into smiles immediately.

“Is that your way of saying ‘I love you too’?” Corey then teased and the grin on his face, the one which made Ben´s heart skip a beat, was in full force. Ben´s hands were still fisted into his best friend´s shirt and he wasn´t planning on letting go ever again. Well, he would let go of the shirt eventually, obviously, but Ben wasn´t planning on ever letting go off Corey again.

“This is real, isn´t it?” he then asked back, because the answer to Corey´s question was quite obvious, wasn´t it?

Corey was still smiling as he ran one of his hands through Ben´s hair, messing it up, before resting it against the other man´s cheek. “If it´s a dream I don´t ever want to wake up,” he then laughed, shaking his head once before leaning in to kiss Ben again. It was a kiss with less force, a lot more gentle than what they had experienced so far, both drunk and sober, and then it hit them. They would be able to do this every day for as long as they loved each other. Ben wouldn´t have to worry anymore should he wake up with Corey on top of him, because now he would be able to just wrap his arms around the other man and kiss him good morning. Corey wouldn´t have to take Ben out for drinks if he wanted to kiss him, he could just lean in and do it. There were all sorts of things that were possible now, things neither of them could wait to experience, and on top of that they both knew that they would always be best friends, because that´s how it had all started and with one look into each other´s eyes they knew that this was how it would always be.

“Me neither,” Ben then found himself saying with a laugh as he unclenched his fists from Corey´s shirt, using one hand to get his hair back into place while the fingers of his other entangled with Corey´s, holding on. “So…are we still going to Florida?” he eventually asked with a small smile, staying as close to the other man as possible. They had always been close, their shoulders touching or an arm wrapped around the other, and yet Ben felt like they had missed so many opportunities and he wanted to make up for it.

“Well first of all I suggest that we´d get out of here, because we do have a bed and we don´t have to be out of the room for another…” Corey quickly checked his watch, "...two hours before he have to check out, unless we stay another night, so come on,” he tugged on Ben´s hand, who couldn´t help but laugh.

“Now you´re getting bossy?” he then teased.

“Oh come on, I´ve always been a little bossy,” Corey answered with a laugh as he tugged the other man with him towards the elevator. “And I do prefer a bed over some dark parking lot, especially since that bed is really comfortable,”

Ben rolled his eyes at his best friend, _boyfriend,_ then, but the smile was still on his face as he found himself pressed against the elevator wall with Corey´s face just inches away from his. His heart was beating out of his chest again and there was heat flaring up in his stomach, making his tongue dart out to lick over his suddenly dry lips. He could most definitely get used to this.

Their lips barely touched before the _‘ding’_ of the elevator indicated that they had arrived on their floor and Corey was still smiling. “I vote we stay for another night and then see what happens,” he muttered with a grin as he tugged on Ben´s hand once more, pulling him out of the elevator and down the corridor.

“I agree, though I need to do something first,” Ben chuckled, reaching for his phone while Corey fumbled for the key card in his pocket.

“Well make it quick, we´ve got to make up for lost time,” he then smiled, opening the door and stepping inside while Ben followed, heart still beating faster and a smile on his face as he typed a message into his phone.

**_From: Ben, 9.02am_ **

_Turns out all he wants is me, too. :)_

**_From: Andrew, 9.03am_ **

_For sure? ;)_

**_From: Ben, 9.04am_ **

_For sure! ;)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this story got longer than I anticipated, but I´m actually loving how it turned out, so thanks for reading and I hope you like it as much as I liked writing it! :)


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